Throughout the history as human beings there are very few experiences that temporarily derail our health and happiness as the dissolution of a romantic relationship. The War of the Roses has felled great men, toppled empires, bankrupt millionaires, and started wars. And that was just in East Sacramento last weekend. There’s no getting around it, break-ups hurt, and often hurt like hell. But we still are left unprepared every time it happens, blindsided by the subtle game of negotiations and love songs, as Paul Simon sings. So I thought it would be great to create a guide that leads you through how to break up correctly, and how to get over it with your dignity and self respect intact, hopefully remaining STD free. Keep your fingers crossed.
How do you get over a break-up? Teams of psychotherapists, who have invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in their education and study emotional and mental health for the greater part of decades, will tell you one thing. They’ll talk about ego dissolution, limited perspectives, and long term emotional objectivity. I urge you to forget that noise because they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. I mean, have you ever seen a hot therapist? Someone who could actually go out to the local bar and pick up a date? They couldn’t get laid at the Mix on a Saturday night. Do you want to take your relationship advice from someone who wears socks with sandals, has lost count of how many cats they have climbing around their lonely apartment, and may or may not be sporting a front butt? Enough said. Take it from me – I’ve got it all figured out and I’m happy to share this sage wisdom with you because we’re friends, and frankly...you need it.
As far as I can tell there are four stages to a breakup. These are:
1. Hiroshima: dropping the big one (Before and during the break-up).
2. Welcome back to earth (the first days).
3. Sucks being you (the months go by).
4. The rolling numbers (one year plus).
We are going to go over some excerpts on these stages. If you’d like to access the full program it’s available in hardcover book, translated in English, Tagalog, and Puerto Rican, a 12-CD set, and on the web for $19.99 a month. Look for the Bulletproof Break-up Guide advertised as a spam in your junkmail or on a urinal cake near you.
Stage 1. Hiroshima: dropping the big one. (Before and during the break-up).
Do you know why 94% of relationships end? Did you guess infidelity, falling out of love, or lack of a true emotional connection? Nope. 94% of relationships end because one person in the relationship thinks they can do better. They really see that they are at least 3 points hotter than their current mate and can pull someone of a far superior quality. You’re feeling like you’re a 9 and they’re only a 6. Maybe his confidence was down because of his previous ex when you entered into the relationship, or maybe she looked hotter than they is because you met on Halloween and she had a push-up bra and a lollypop, but for whatever reason the grass is looking greener, and there is a Hotness Gap.
First off, it’s important to realize that you’re not a 9. Of course looks are very important, but in a relationship a girl gets judged by averaging the categories: “Face”, “Body”, “Bitchiness”, “Sexual Prowess”, and “What you look like in the morning.” Maybe you looked like a 9 right after your college days, or when you’re really tan, or you just got a boob job, but if you factored everything in then you’re probably barely pushing a 7. Guys get rated on “Body”, “Hair”, “Does he play video games?”, “Income Potential”, and the “Power Factor: quite simply is he a fireman or policeman, a bartender, in a rock band, or own a boat.”
But girls, if you are a 9 then believe me the last thing you want is a man who’s a 9. Guys, get the hottest chic you can. I say this because she may be a 10 now but wait until she squeezes out ten love muffins and hits 80 years old; her rating will plummet like real estate prices. She may look like Ashley Judd now but she’ll soon look like one of the other Judd sisters. DO NOT stay in a relationship with a girl who has a butt ugly, fat mom. That is exactly what she’ll look like in about 5 minutes. As a general rule if you wouldn’t have sex with the mom then don’t get with the daughter. Happy hunting.
But I digress – you’ll have to buy my next program for this amazing relationship advice, now available on Blue Ray, “Single is the new Married.”
So back to the break-up. How do you know when the relationship is over? There are common signs to look for:
1. Your partner starts being nice. When the fighting stops the worrying starts.
2. They start going to the gym. That’s just weird.
3. They go out to the club with their friends on a Thursday or Saturday night. Big trouble. They are gauging their market value and their ability to pull a hotter partner.
4. They are hiding their phone. They may or may not have pictures of a chic playing Twister naked on there. At the very least they are getting bootie calls.
5. Its late springtime. Everyone wants to be single for the summer if they are unhappy. Conversely they will try to lock up someone to keep them warm for the winter and get through the holidays.
Remember that when the breakup happens it will be surreal, a shock to the system, but now you will be prepared. If it is you that is getting the pink slip then you will be ceremoniously informed that they “have to talk” and actually want to schedule a time. If you have a formal dining room or a bench in front of your house they will probably want you to do it there. Her hair will be done and she might be wearing a strand of pearls, like she’s speaking at a White House press conference. Change the plan and you choose the location. My favorite breakup spot is McKinley Park – you can sit in the rose garden, which is a wonderful metaphor because she’s a thorn in your side but also romantic if you want to work on reconciliation. It’s a perfect locale to yell and scream without bothering the joggers because they're wearing headphones, and in case it gets ugly and a murder goes down you have easy access to highway on-ramps.
This is exactly what you’re gonna say when your girlfriend or boyfriend breaks up with you. Write in on a notecard if you have to and start memorizing it as soon as you start dating someone:
“I respect you and your choices. I just want to see you happy. I’ve really valued the time we’ve had together and I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for you. It’s probably for the best and honestly I’ve been thinking about it for a long time anyway.”
Of course its total and utter bullshit, but they don’t know that yet. Say it anyways. If you don’t want to be with them, it’s the right thing to say. If you do want to be with them it’s the right thing to say. They are going to see that you are so calm and understanding and think “Why is it that they aren’t devastated? Why don’t they care? Do they have better offers? Oh shit, did I fuck up?” and start over-thinking the situation. It’s a natural reaction – everyone wants someone who doesn’t need them – and if you take a step back the dance will dictate that they take a step forward. The last part about thinking about it for a long time is just a seed to plant to allow you to mind fuck them later.
Do you feel better already? Do you see how this amazing, life-altering advice and you’re lucky that I even share it with your sorry ass? Good, me too. We’re just getting started.
(to be continued....)
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