The Bulletproof Break-Up Guide is a step-by-step manual on how to successfully navigate the painful end to a romantic relationship. Since writing parts 1 and 2 (see previous blogs) I've been blown away by the response from my readers who want serious relationship advice. I am absolutely the man for the job. Think of me as a community servant and feel free to email me any personal questions or scenarios. I will post the questions and answers as a follow up. Here we go:
Sucks being you (the months go by):
Of course you broke up for a reason, and after the inevitable break-up sex reconciliation things will rapidly fall apart for a second time, and a third, etc. No matter how hard you’ve both tried Humpty Dumpty can’t be put back together again. One or both of you truly believe you can do better, so now it’s really over. The next step is to formulate your Breakup Battle Plan. This is a complex public relations blitzkrieg that will lead you through the ensuing months.
Those fancy therapists will explain that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference, and that is the goal of healing after a relationship. Like letting out a kite string a little at a time, every day you want to create distance and space between you and the pain of the past partner, until one day it’s so small and far away that you don’t even notice and there’s no negative emotional charge. I disagree. You have to realize that very little of this is about you – most of it is about giving the finger to your ex. Anger is a wonderful emotion that can keep you nice and toasty warm at night. I haven’t had to turn on the heat in my house since 2006.
For the sake of brevity (and I want you to attend my seminar in Reno next weekend at $199 a pop) I will summarize some of the high points of your Breakup Battle Plan:
1. Immediately delete him/her from your Facebook, block them, and change your status to single. When people comment and offer their condolences clip and paste this in there as a response:
“I respect him/her and his/her choices. I just want to see him/her happy. I’ve really valued the time we’ve had together and I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for him/her. It’s probably for the best and honestly we’ve been thinking about it for a long time anyway.”
Then feel free to message them privately and confess that he/she was actually a scum-sucking life form lower than an earth worm.
2. Pick your friends. When a couple breaks up, their friends have to choose between staying social with one person or the other. Make a list of your mutual friends and rank them like it was the NBA draft. Make sure you get all the cool people and the good looking people. Who cares about the rest!?
3. Decide which one of their friends you are going to try and screw. Remember we are not at all concerned with health and happiness here, but driving you ex crazy. You will be far more attractive to his or her friends just because you’re the Forbidden Fruit, so you actually have a shot.
4. Take pictures of you and hot men/women, pretending you are care free and having fun, and post them on their mutual friend’s wall on Facebook. It doesn’t matter if you know them or not, just walk up to hot members of the opposite sex and start snapping photos.
5. Delete your ex’s phone number, contact info, emails, etc. We’re trying to make it as difficult as possible to contact them when you’re lonely or drunk. Right now you’re like a little toddler and we need to put the cookies high on the shelf out of your reach. Only keep the sexy pictures you took – in fact make three copies of those and hide them in a safety deposit box.
6. Establish your territory. This is very important. As a couple you guys shared a favorite coffee shop, a favorite restaurant, and a local watering hole. You’re going to have to re-establish which one of these spots is going to be your domain, so the word gets out and they’ll avoid them in the future. In the first week after a breakup I recommend loitering on the street by the front door of these establishments so you are visible to drive-by traffic on the street and word will get back to your ex. Fight hard for your favorite spots – if we’ve learned anything from Vietnam it’s that sometimes it’s worth a lot of bloodshed and casualties just to get right back where you started.
7. Send their mom a thank you card for that absolutely inedible meatloaf she prepared last Christmas. Of course don’t mention that you wrapped in napkins and fed to the dog. There is only one purpose to this – the next time they are getting together with their family, seemingly an emotional place of refuge from the breakup, you want their mom to bust out with “What happened to that (insert ex’s name here) – they were such a nice girl/boy.” Don’t let on that it was you that stole those little decorative soaps from the bathroom.
8. Start going to church. No, go to church just for the reproductive opportunities. Think of church as the new singles bar. Pick out a hottie that you think has potential. Give them a little wink. While the donation plate is going around place a hundred dollar bill in there slowly – so everyone can see and your new conquest thinks you’re a big baller. Then when they look away pull it back and put $1 in there. Damn – they even have wine at church! Drink up player!
9. Start doing charity work. Remember, none of this is because you actually care, but because you’re going to get the word out there to your mutual friends and Facebook community that you are doing so, making them perpetuating the perception that you’re mature and benevolent. You’ll start winning their hearts and minds, which you can then use for your own evil purposes down the road. Go to the homeless shelter to help stray dogs, or collect candy bars for the little hair-lip kids – it really doesn’t matter because the whole point is getting the word out that you are heavily involved with charity work. Just remember to wear latex gloves and don’t touch anyone down there because the poor have a lot of germs.
But Norm, you ask me, is it all doom and gloom? Do I have to subjugate myself to all of this behavior, so primal that it would make Diane Fossi curious? What’s the upside? Honestly? Very little. You’ll probably be miserable for a year or so, and never end up with a partner nearly as hot. You’ll have to keep lowering your standards in order to ascertain any shred of future happiness, until your criteria list for a potential mate reads like a hostage note.
But there are a few bright spots to any breakup:
1. Breakups are GREAT for weight loss. Emotional torture is a wonderful dietary supplement, better than fiber, like Hydroxicut for the heart. Enjoy it! That in itself is a reason to prolong the agony as long as possible. I myself got down from 215lbs to 165 my last breakup!
2. Piggy back on this slimming momentum by going to the gym. Work on the “glam” muscles only – biceps and chest for guys, that inner-thigh leg machine for girls. Wear a ton of gel in your hair and the nicest matching workout outfit you have. Don’t work out too hard because you might break a sweat, so just walk back and forth to the water fountain while talking about closing huge real estate deals on your cell phone. That will impress the hell out of ‘em, and if you’re lucky you’ll meet someone who is equally as health conscious.
3. You’ll have a TON of extra time on your hands because you won’t be able to sleep. Use this time wisely – watch a lot of inspirational late night television, or get a second job doing medical billing at home to fill in the sleepless nights. If you must sleep then you could try the doctor’s recommendation of meditation, deep breathing, exercise, and tea or natural sedatives, but I’ve found that a nice bedtime cocktail of two bottles of red wine, a Vicadin, and a double shot of Nyquil works much better. Cheers!
The Rolling Numbers:
They say time heals all wounds. As the miserable months unfold you will start feeling a strange twinge of emotion – the desire to forgive and forget your ex and actually move on with your life. Fight that instinct. Remember folks you’re at war and you must stay vigilant for the long haul. With time you’ll look back on your relationship through rose-colored glasses. You will remember them as the best thing on Earth since the invention of the leopard-print Snuggie. That will only make it harder, so try and remember their bad qualities. Make a list of crap you didn’t like about them: they said “orientated”, they were lazy as a hibernating bear in bed, or they didn’t brush their teeth before trying to kiss in the morning. Post the list on your bathroom mirror, or even better memorize it.
There are some simple things to heed as you continue on your cold, loveless journey. In no particular order these are navigation points as you near the one year mark of being free from your ex:
· Cutting your hair. Ladies - do not cut your hair short! Listen closely - there is absolutely no correlation between chopping all your hair off and getting over a relationship. You’ll only achieve looking like shit and making it harder to attract someone new. Walk down the street and look at all the shirt-haired chicks and ask them if they just ended a relationship and 9 out of 10 of them will start crying hysterically right there on the street. I’ve tried it. Men – encourage your ex to cut her hair short.
· Holidays. Holidays suck no matter what. If you are in a relationship then you go through the motions and secretly wish you had someone better that didn’t get you such tasteless presents and wasn’t so lazy when it was time to do dishes. And if you are single for the holidays? Oh Jesus help us. Where do I begin? It seems every other week there is some bizarre sappy ritualistic spot on the calendar that involves a Hallmark card, balloons, enough tinsel and lights to make Vegas jealous, and worship of ridiculous mythical demigods like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Everything you do involves copious amounts of alcohol and enough dessert to keep the dentists in business the rest of the year. No one really knows the point of these bizarre rituals, and I have the sneaking suspicion that someone higher up is just making fun of us. It is absolutely mandatory that you be happy during these holiday times – I said be happy dammit! - and that includes a perfect Ken or Barbie doll mate sitting by your side. If you happen to be single you will inevitably drink twice as much as the normal populace, eat three times as many sweets, and secretly conspire to assassinate that stupid Cupid guy with a bazooka. Remember that the first go-around of holidays after a breakup are the worst, but once you survive then future holidays will be downgraded from “Cut my wrists with a rusty nutcracker if I see another she-went-to-Jared commercial” to just “Just plain sucky.”
· Get a replacement. While I recommend having lots of friends of the opposite sex for shallow emotional affirmation, at a certain point you’ll want to get a horse back in the race. Remember that time when you crashed your beautiful Mercedes and for a week you had to drive around in that tiny Kia with a tape deck and roll-up windows? Bingo. You’ll want to start dating again but at first the depths of your amorous connection will just be to have a warm body to sleep next to and someone to subject to the abuse of the holidays. You probably won’t even remember this person’s name.
· Buy shit you can’t afford. Ahhh retail therapy, the second best American contribution to culture next to the right turn on red. This is a good time to tailspin into a complete financial disaster. Use your credit cards liberally and apply for as many more as possible. Men – buy a lot of electronics and possibly a boat if you really want to attract dirty party girls. Women – I don’t really need to give you advice on spending too much money on stupid shit that is out of style within six months, now do I?
· Stay tan. GTL baby.
As time passes you’ll get to the point where you’ve completely given up on meeting someone of quality and being happy again. Your social life will consist of turning down losers on Match.com and buying way more batteries than usual. Surrender is good, because as a cruel joke it’s at exactly this time that the Universe puts someone new in your life. Imagine this: you’re strolling around the farmers’ market buying fresh arugula, or maybe running to the bathroom at Starbucks because you had way too much coffee, and BOOM! You meet him/her. They have decent hair, all of their own teeth, and a nice sense of humor. You actually feel like you may have met someone with potential! The feeling is hard to understand and completely foreign, like watching the move Green Card with that dopey French guy. Witty banter, a number exchange, a date Friday night. You actually get along and you see that you may be finally turning a corner.
You really think you’re ready to get back into a relationship? I recommend buying a houseplant first, then a goldfish, then a puppy. If you don’t kill them through neglect or putting them in the microwave by accident then you just might be ready for a meaningful relationship with a member of the opposite sex. You’re ready to take the next step.
What are you going to say to let this special person know you’re into them? Try this:
“I really like you and respect the choices you make. I just want a chance to make you happy. I’d really like spending time together and see if there’s room in my heart for you. There’s a reason that we met and honestly I’ve been ready for someone like you in my life for a long time now.”
Enjoy the good times: cuddling while watching the Wedding Planner, pretending you’re having fun while playing mini-golf, and the sex. Of course the sex. But remember my friends; it’s never too early to start planning ahead. Add all of their friends on Facebook, take lots of compromising pictures of them in bed when their drunk…and get ready for the inevitable breakup. Good times.
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